omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Drunk is a universal language darling
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