My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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