i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
