The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
