I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
