so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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