i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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