i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
