i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
