Just took my morning after pill in the library
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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