I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
