the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
