You're my little dorito
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
