I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
