mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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