Where is the hickey?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just google imaged poop.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
