Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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