Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
