Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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