The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
