I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
