I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize