Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
