awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
