I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
