Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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