How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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