if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
