May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
