My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
