drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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