Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
