i love accidental penises.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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