I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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