Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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