Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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