I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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