just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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