If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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