I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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