I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We're too hungover to prance.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
