I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
