The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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