I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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