at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
