Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
