I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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