I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
A bitchslap is in order.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Pooping to opera.
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