Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
