Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
