lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
