my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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