OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize