I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
