I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
