PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
