I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
