worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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