running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
