You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
