answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
