This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize