Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
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