I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
