There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
