we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize